This week I’ve been having many conversations about asking for your worth in Negotiations, and I wanted to share some thoughts of encouragement for people struggling in this area. The main problem is not that people aren’t giving you what you are worth; it’s that you don’t understand what you are worth enough to ask confidently! It is essential to realise that this is a common fear, especially among women and minorities (people in ‘lower’ power positions in society). In knowing that this is a common fear, don’t take it personally. There is nothing wrong with you that you experience self-doubt. But, feeling the doubt is not the way out of it…. So let’s talk about how to minimise self-doubt by becoming more critical regarding of the voices that you allow to impact your actions.
“Rather than focusing on the uninteresting question of “Am I worthy of this?”, focus your energy on a more empowering/action-oriented question of “How am I going to make this happen?”. ”
If you are scared to ask for what you are worth in a negotiation, it is likely that somewhere along the way, someone asked you to start doubting yourself. In response to “Who are you to think that you deserve that salary or that promotion!?”, you begin to engage with this question and as a consequence, you started to doubt the value that you bring to the table. My question to you is “Who are they to tell you what you are worth?”. Do not take people’s criticism of you lightly. Instead, understand where people’s comments coming from and what the purpose of such comments are BEFORE letting these comments impact you. If someone is trying to help you achieve your goals and is offering you practical advice on how to improve and get closer to your goals, then, by all means, take that feedback. However, if someone is discouraging you from working towards your goals by telling you that you don’t deserve the outcome, then pay them no attention. Rather than focusing on the uninteresting question of “Am I worthy of this?”, focus your energy on a more empowering/action-oriented question of “How am I going to make this happen?”.
I promise you that in time you will see the value of your skillsets and experiences, and you will gain the confidence and maturity to ask for fair compensation. You will learn to walk away from situations that do not serve you and relationships that do not value you. In the main while, just keep moving towards your goals and standing up for yourself, even when you doubt yourself. Do the internal work of identifying the parts of yourself that want to give up and conform to other people’s unempowering expectations of you. Do this work so that you can replace unempowering thoughts with more empowering ones. Whatever you do, don’t let your self-doubt (a.k.a. internalised past criticisms) impact your actions.
Here are two videos to remind you that this is a common struggle/process:
Michelle Obama on resisting the imposter syndrome: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dumm_XfHkmY
Jennifer Lopez on the self-worth journey: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GScJcBim6nI
You are awesome, you are worthy, keep going!
Tatiana
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