Lunch and Learn: Negotiation Foundations with Dr. Brooke Gazdag Q&A Part 3

In this Lunch and Learn, Dr. Brooke Gazdag and I answer your questions on negotiations and emotions! First, we talk about how to deal with other’s emotions, and provide a structure for how to de-escalate conflict (unfortunately this part of the Lunch and Learn cannot be shared on video due to a technical issue, however, the content is summarized) and respond to other’s expressions of anger, aggression and defensiveness (first and second video). Then we talk about how to navigate your own emotions and express them strategically (third video).

Dr. Brooke Gazdag is an organizational psychologist and assistant professor at the University of Amsterdam. To learn more about Brooke, click here.

BRIEF SUMMARY OF THE CONTENT

PART 1: HOW TO DEAL WITH OTHER’S EMOTIONS

Question 1: “How do you deal with the emotions of others? If your counterpart is showing a clear negative emotion, how do you defuse the situation and deal with that?

• Emotions are a response to a person, place or thing (learn more about emotions here). Generally, expressions of negative emotions will escalate into a conflict when people do not feel heard, boundaries are crossed, and needs are not being met. Your job is to try to understand what is driving the other person’s response. By showing up for these difficult conversations, you will strengthen the relationship over the long-term or set boundaries as appropriate. It is important to note that different emotions mean different things, and so you will want to respond differently based on the emotional expressions as well as strategically when in the professional context. Below we offer strategies for how to handle anger, aggression and defensiveness. But first, here are some tools to de-escalate conflict:

  • 5-steps to Deescalate Conflict:

    • Find truth in what they said

    • Empathize: Emotional (e.g., you feel what they feel) and cognitive empathy (e.g., you understand what they feel)

    • Ask questions

    • State how you feel using I- statements (no personal attacks!)

    • Validate the other person and the relationship

  • Check Your Responses Against EAR

    • Express Empathy: Did you acknowledge the other’s reality?

    • Assertiveness: Did you communicate your feelings openly and directly?

    • Respect: Did you communicate in a caring tone?

    • Your responses must have all three elements, or you will escalate the conflict through your responses.

  • Be Mindful of Your Own Emotional Expressions

    • Do not reciprocate negative emotions

    • Try to incorporate positive emotions into the interaction

  • To learn more about how to de-escalate conflict using this method read: Burns, D. (2010). Feeling good together: The secret to making troubled relationships work. Random House

Question 2: How do you respond when someone is angry?

• Anger is about boundary violations. Therefore, what you want to do is try to understand what boundary violation has taken place and how you may correct this. Generally, it is a good rule to not react to people when they are angry and escalate the conflict. Instead, give them time to process their emotion, and then try to engage in a product conversion focused on understanding their why.

• What to do:

  • Slow Your Responses Down and Focus on Connecting With Your Counterpart

    • In the presence of difficult emotions there is a tendency to withdraw or absorbance the other person’s emotion:

      • Resist the temptation to mirror back negative emotions

      • Resist the tendency to take on other’s emotional states (a.k.a. emotional contagion)

      • Resist the temptation to placate someone through concessions because you do not feel comfortable with others expressing anger

      • Resist the temptation to walk-away simply because you don’t know how to navigate difficult conversations

    • Remind yourself that difficult conversations are one way that we strength relationships. This is your chance to show-up for your counterpart.

    Have an Assertive Mind-Set

    • Remain assertive and engaged in a conversation

    • Try to understand the reason behind the anger

    • If you have a hard time being assertive, improve your sources of power (e.g., contingency plans) so that you feel more comfortable responding to a person’s expression of anger.

    • Understand the consequences of giving concessions to another person’s expression of anger:

      • This is one way that we negotiate against ourselves.

      • This is one way that we do not investing in the relationship. By failing to have difficult conversations, we limit the relationship’s capacity to solve problems.

  • Use Breaks

    • Give your counterpart small breaks (20 minutes) to calm down when they are emotionally flooded, and then come back to the conversation.

Question 3: How do you respond when someone is being aggressive?

• Aggression is about exerting control over another’s behaviour. You do not want to capitulate to this person, as this will teach them that you can be manipulated into a decision/perspective via aggression. You will want to establish boundaries around this type of behaviour and put contingency plans in place (your source of power) so that you do not feel the pressure of the situation and have your actions influenced as a consequence of manipulation.

• What do to:

  • Have an Assertive Mind-Set

    • Remain assertive and engaged in a conversation if you can

    • Try to understand the reason behind the aggression

  • Prepare

    • Prepare before hand

    • Improve your sources of power (e.g., contingency plans)

    • Understand your limits and at which point your will disengagement

  • Remain Self-aware

    • Be aware of your own emotions so that you know when you are being pressured into a decision that you don’t want to make (a.k.a., manipulation in process). Be mindful of guilt, fear, or feeling small or less than someone. If you feel these emotions, they are a red-flag and you may want to remove yourself from the situation so that you can regain perspective and come back to the situation assertively.

  • Incorporate Face-Saving Mechanisms

    • Consider when to ignore and act on other’s threats. By strategically ignoring threats you can save face for your counterpart and continue the conversation instead of escalating the situation.

    • Consider cultural and group dynamics

    • Open-up side conversations and informal communication channels to help diffuse difficult situations

Question 4: How do you respond when someone is being defensive?

• Defensiveness is about not taking responsibility for one’s action or situation. The ultimate goal is for you to get the person to take responsibility for their actions. However, you will want to chose your timing and words carefully so to increase the chances that this will happen. It is important to note that even with your best attempts, some people will continue to be defensive. At which point, you will want to establish boundaries around this type of behaviour and put contingency plans in place (your source of power) so that you do not need to rely on this person to accomplish your goals.

• What do to:

  • Have an Assertive Mind-Set

    • Remain assertive and engaged in a conversation

    • Ask good questions

    • Try to understand the reason behind the defensiveness. Try to get at the heart of what they are try trying to protect.

  • Limit Time Pressure on the Other

    • Give people a pause before they response

    • When choosing when to have a follow-up conversation, consider the circumstances and people potentially involved and how this will impact your counterpart.

  • Engage in Direct Communication & Incorporate Face-Saving Mechanisms

    • Use the DESO script:

      • Describe… what you find unsatisfying.

      • Express… how you feel about the situation.

      • Specify… what you would like to happen.

      • Outcome… you foresee if things do or do not work out the way you would like.

      • Learn more about it here

    • Create contingency plans so that you can accomplish you goals without the defensive person, but always give them the opportunity to meet your needs before implementing your alternative plans.

PART 2: HOW TO DEAL WITH YOUR OWN EMOTIONS

Question 5: How to deal with your emotions. For example, you feel angry but expressing that anger towards the negotiating part is not a constructive way to move forward most of the time? so how do you deal with your own emotions, and to what extent should you show them? especially the negative ones?

Your ability to manage other people’s emotion will be dependent on your ability to mange your own emotion. There is a difference between feeling an emotion versus expressing it. You want to feel your emotions and use this information to decide how you will react to a situation. When you express your emotions to others, you will want to do so from a calm and assertive place, so that you can share your feelings constructively without unleashing its destructive effects. As a general rule, do not engage with others when you feel overwhelmed with a particular negative emotion. For example, when people feel angry, this limits their ability to be objective, and if expressed incorrectly, can ruin their reputation.

• Steps to Take Before Expressing Your Emotions:

  • Take a break (suggested 20 minutes)

  • Figure out what is the core reason behind your emotions

  • Figure out what you want to happen

  • Write out what you are going to say to the person (e.g., the DESO script, read about it here), and then set-up a meeting to discuss and work out the underlying issues with your counterpart.

• How to Express Your Emotions:

  • Direct your frustration to the situation/problem rather than the person.

    • Some effective communication tools that you can use:

      • “I-statements” to make request in your personal and professional relationships. Learn more about it here.

      • The DESO script to set boundaries in your personal and processional relationships. Learn more about it here.

  • Authentically share your emotions: you can play-up your emotions but do not make up emotions that aren’t there, also do not miss-match emotional expressions to how you’re actually feeling about a situation (e.g., expressing anger when you are feeling happy and expressing happiness when you are feeling angry)

  • Think about the sequencing of your emotional expressions: you can go from expressing anger to being nice, but not the other way around

  • Think about how might you express your emotions in coordination with another person: Good cop/Bad cop strategy

  • Always consider reputation effects and the importance of the relationship when considering how you will express your emotions. Some strategies (e.g., anger) are effective at getting concessions, but at the expense of a relationship.

To join the next Lunch and Learn, sign up here.

• Details: Last Thursday of the month; Thursday 12:30 pm to 1:10 pm (EST)

• Format: 10-20 min summary on a topic or concept followed by an interactive Q&A (15-20 mins). Video of the Q&A will never be shared if participant faces are recorded to maintain participant’s privacy.

NOTE ABOUT THE VIDEO: Unfortunately first half of the first question cannot be shared due to a technical issue, however, the content is summarized above.

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