Check out my recent chat with Dr. Brooke Gazdag on “The Digitization of Trust”. Enjoy as we explore what trust is and how to build it online!
Dr. Brooke Gazdag is an organizational psychologist and assistant professor at the University of Amsterdam. To learn more about Brooke, click here.
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Conflict is an inevitable facet of human interaction, and mastering the art of deescalation is pivotal for fostering healthy relationships and maintaining a positive environment. In this exploration, we delve into the scientific underpinnings of conflict, stress responses, and evidence-based strategies for deescalation.
Introducing the defence Responses: Engage, Fight, Fawn, Flight and Freeze
In socially challenging situations, the human brain operates in three main ways, each influencing behavior. Each state is based on whether the environment has been assessed as safe or threatening and whether the person unconsciously has assessed whether or not they have the psychological resources to deal with it.
In the intricate dance of personal and professional relationships, boundaries play a pivotal role. They're like the invisible force fields that surround us, protecting our well-being and preserving our emotional space. Yet, for many, the concept of setting boundaries can be shrouded in misconceptions and fear. Let's explore some common beliefs about boundaries and how you can embrace these essential elements for healthier, more balanced relationships.
Common Misconceptions About Boundaries
People should know my boundaries.
Boundaries are selfish.
I should be kind and accommodating.
Setting boundaries will hurt the relationship.
Setting boundaries will make the other person angry.
Let's get personal for a moment…
We all know that high-quality relationships are the bedrock of success, whether in our personal or professional lives. These are the connections where we can roll up our sleeves, tackle challenges, and come out the other side feeling not only triumphant but valued and respected. But what about those moments when you need to pull the "no" card?
That's where the magic of setting boundaries and articulating your limits comes into play.
So, join me in this post as we delve into the delicate art of saying "no" and explore how it can genuinely supercharge your relationships, especially in a world where boundaries have taken on new significance, thanks to the ever-evolving professional landscape post-pandemic.
The world of psychology has long been fascinated by the intricate dance of emotions in human interactions. Emotions are not just fleeting feelings; they're the secret language of our relationships, capable of both facilitating and hindering our problem-solving abilities and shaping the course of our connections over the long term. Today, we're about to embark on a journey into the fascinating world of the "positivity ratio."
Imagine this: in every relationship, whether romantic or professional, there are moments of conflict and tension. Emotions come into play, and these emotions can either help us resolve issues or drive us further apart. That's where the concept of the positivity ratio comes into the picture, and it's a game-changer in understanding the dynamics of our interactions.
John Gottman, a pioneering researcher in the field of relationships, embarked on an incredible journey of observing couples in their interactions. For over a decade, he meticulously recorded their conversations, paying close attention to the emotional expressions and their underlying intentions. What he discovered was nothing short of revolutionary.
In a world where relationships often come with their fair share of annoyances and disappointments, the way we communicate can be a game-changer. You have two choices: let resentment fester in silence, gradually eroding your relationships and your own well-being, or take a bold step and speak up with a clear, constructive request. But here's the catch: how you communicate matters. Defensive, ineffective communication can escalate misunderstandings and damage the bonds you hold dear. That's where the magic of "I Want" statements comes in, a potent tool for taking responsibility and making effective requests in both personal and professional relationships.
In this blog, I present a practical 4-step script to master the art of "I Want" statements, fostering better connections and problem-solving.
Attachment theory, a groundbreaking concept developed by John Bowlby, delves into the deep emotional bonds we form with our caregivers in our early years and how these bonds reverberate through the chambers of our lives. It's like the foundational blueprint for our interpersonal dynamics, affecting our behaviors and relationships across the board, even within the hallowed halls of the workplace.
But hold on a minute! You might wonder what family affairs have to do with your job or relationships with colleagues and superiors. The answer is, a lot! Attachment theory, often overshadowed in workplace discussions, is starting to take center stage. Researchers are now discovering how it silently orchestrates the way we navigate workplace dynamics, including our ability to accept feedback, our commitment to the job, and our interactions with bosses and coworkers. This includes one of my favourite research discoveries in this realm, unveiling the individuals who are most and least inclined to depart from a toxic workplace.
Let's take a journey into this intriguing realm and uncover the secrets of how attachment theory influences your professional life.
Conflict often escalates when negative emotions go unaddressed (learn more about emotions here), leading to individuals feeling unheard, boundaries crossed, and unmet needs.
A brain-informed understanding of anger and conflict highlights that anger arises in response to a perceived threat. Its origin lies in the brain's release of cortisol, commonly known as the 'fight or flight' hormone, when faced with perceived threat situations. The specific triggers for anger vary from person to person and can signify unresolved issues or difficulties in expressing emotions effectively. Once the brain perceives a threat, regaining control becomes challenging as self-protection takes precedence. Effectively managing conflict involves providing reassurance of safety and allowing time for cortisol to dissipate from their body, which can take approximately 20 to 60 minutes.
I had a great time talking about emotions with Dr. Andrea Wojnicki on the Talk About Talk Podcast. Check out the episode here.
In my closing statement, I summarize why understanding your emotions and relationships is important. Basically it’s that it gives you the power to show up fully and foster the relationships that matter to you!
In this Lunch and Learn I talk about what are boundaries, how to identify them and how to communicate them effectively (first video). I also update commonly held beliefs about boundaries and share with you 5 tips that you can start using right away (second video).
In this Lunch and Learn I talk about the social function role of emotions and their expressions as well as debunk commonly held beliefs around emotional expression (first video). I also share with you 5 great tips that you can start applying today to personalize your online communication (second video).
Check out my recent chat with Dr. Brooke Shaughnessy on “The Digitization of Trust”. Enjoy as we explore what trust is and how to build it online!
“Raise your words, not voice. It is rain that grows flowers, not thunder.” - Rumi
When In Conflict, Know Whether It's Time To Get Inquisitive Or Get Assertive
Conflicts arise from a variety of reasons, ranging from benign (e.g., misunderstandings) to malicious (e.g., deception). The key to dealing with conflict is knowing when to take a softer approach and seek understanding versus when to take an assertive approach and become explicit about your expectations and boundaries.
WHY USE “I-STATEMENTS” WHEN MAKING REQUESTS?
People are going to annoy you, disappoint you, and fall short. They won’t mean to, but they will. In these moments, you could stay silent and let resentment build (a lovely way to slowly deteriorate a relationship and frustrate yourself) or you could try to speak up and make a request. The issue with speaking up is that while you may have the best intentions if you communicate in a defensive non-effective manner, you will escalate a misunderstanding, hurt the people that you care about, and slowly degrade the quality of your relationships.
One great tool for taking responsibility in relationships and asking for your needs to be met (a.k.a., a request for a change in behaviour) is using an “I-statements” request.
Conflict is an inevitable part of human interaction, and learning how to de-escalate conflicts is a crucial skill in fostering healthy relationships and maintaining a positive environment. In this blog post, we will explore effective strategies for de-escalating conflicts, incorporating scientific insights where applicable.
Understanding Conflict and Stress Responses
Before delving into de-escalation techniques, it's crucial to unravel the intricacies of how our brains respond to conflict and stress. The following insights shed light on the science behind these reactions: