“Raise your words, not voice. It is rain that grows flowers, not thunder.” - Rumi
When In Conflict, Know Whether It's Time To Get Inquisitive Or Get Assertive
Conflicts arise from a variety of reasons, ranging from benign (e.g., misunderstandings) to malicious (e.g., deception). The key to dealing with conflict is knowing when to take a softer approach and seek understanding versus when to take an assertive approach and become explicit about your expectations and boundaries.
I have already written about how to resolve common misunderstandings and strengthen your relationships using "I-statements" (here). In this post, I will write about how to resolve more difficult conflicts and share one of my favourite communication tools (the DESO script) which is best used to set boundaries and make ultimatums.
Before I begin, let me be clear: even in the most challenging situations, the onus falls on you to make your expectations and needs explicit, set clear boundaries, provide possible solutions that meet both party's needs, and engage in follow-through when promises are broken.
Why Use The DESO Script To Communicate In Difficult Situations
Even in the most challenging situations, a resolution is more likely to happen when you are open and honest about what you need, what you think happened, how you feel, what you would like to get out of the situation, and what your boundaries are around the situation (the essential components of the DESO script). Revealing this information invites your counterpart to understand your perspective, empathize, and understand what you can and cannot do, and will and will not accept.
More importantly, by sharing the impact that other's behaviours have on you, your counterpart gains valuable information about the way that you like to be treated. This allows them to learn and do better the next time around. If they fail to learn to do better, then this provides valuable information to you about what you can expect from this counterpart going forward.
To be able to be open and honest about a difficult situation requires that you do sufficient thinking beforehand. This preparation allows you to fully understand your thoughts and preferences so that you can communicate them respectfully and coherently. The DESO script helps you identify what to share while limiting one's tendency to over-explain and go off topic.
Introducing The DESO Script
Describe… what you find unsatisfying.
Express… how you feel about the situation.
Specify… what you would like to happen.
Outcome… you foresee if things do or do not work out the way you would like.
Additional Action Step: Create an If-Then Scenario Plan… so that you can adjust to your counterpart’s actions accordingly.
The DESO Script In Detail
Describe… what you find unsatisfying by focusing on the objective 'behaviours' that occurred in the situation rather than on any judgments you have formed as a result of it. For example, if someone was late to hand in their work and this impacts your ability to complete a job task, you could say something like, "I had asked if you could complete the analysis by 5 pm on Tuesday. You said that you would be able to meet this deadline. However, the analysis came in on Wednesday." This statement is different from sharing your judgments about what your counterpart's behaviours mean. Such judgments would include, "You are irresponsible and inconsiderate! You never think about your impact on others! Are you sabotaging me on purpose?" Sharing these judgments will escalate the situation, increase the chances that your counterpart will get defensive, and limit the possibility for a resolution.
Focus on actions and behaviours.
Describe the situation as objectively as you can.
Refrain from sharing your judgments.
Express… how you feel about the situation using I-statements. State the impact that your counterpart's behaviours had on you. There are two key aspects to doing this well. First, separate your feelings from your judgments, and share only your feelings clearly and calmly. Emotions include: Sad, hurt, joyful, happy, angry, disappointed, fearful, etc. Judgments are the stories that you tell yourself about what the other persons' actions mean, and this meaning makes you FEEL a specific emotion. For example, there is no "I feel that you don't care about me." It would be more accurate to say, "I feel hurt, the story I'm telling myself is you don't care about me." Second, separate people's intentions from the impact that their behaviours have on you. Often people do not intend to hurt/upset/frustrate you, and yet, they will. Unintentionally harming people with our actions is a part of human relationships, and there no need to get frustrated when someone inevitably does this to you. I promise, you are doing this all the time to other people without ever realizing it. So try to have patience with others in this domain. By separating the intention from the impact, you will be able to express how you feel about the situation more objectively. Focusing on this distinction is a great way to tell people what's going on in your internal experience, while also minimizing the chances that they will get defensive. For example, "While you may not have intended to upset me, I felt very frustrated when the report came in late again because it impacted my ability to do my job." Or "I know that you did not want to intentionally hurt me, however when you did X, I felt Y."
Emotions include: Sad, hurt, joyful, happy, angry, disappointed, fearful, etc.
Specify… what you would like to happen (your goals). When setting goals try to follow the SMART framework. Make your request/goals Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, and Time-sensitive. Better yet, explain WHY it is important for you to achieve this specific result. This will help your counterpart understand your values and priorities in the situation.
Describe what you want ahead of time.
Be clear and brief.
Frame the request positively
Focus on behaviour.
Outcome… you foresee if things do or do not work out the way you would like. It is vitally important to communicate the constraints of your situation and what you plan to do next. The articulation of outcomes allows the DESO script to be used for boundary setting and making respectful ultimatums, while also helping your counterpart understand WHY you are stating these boundaries. The core of communicating outcomes is to help your counterpart understand that you are bound by a certain reality. This isn't a matter of threatening your counterpart into a specific action. A threat would sound like "Do this or else!", where the 'outcome' being communicated is an unreasonable punishment (e.g., a threat to one's reputation) and your counterpart isn't given the option to make a free choice. People are allowed not to comply with your request, however, there are consequences to making that choice. You never want to threaten the individual. Instead, you want to inform your counterpart about the constraints that you are operating under. Viewed from this lens, communicating outcomes is an act of honesty, openness and respect for the relationship. Outcomes include:
Feelings
Results
Reward
Punishment – a caveat here: a reasonable ‘punishment’ must be in line with your counterpart's action and something that you can follow-through on. A ‘punishment' is NOT to be used as a threat to the another person's sense of self, psychological or physical safety.
Additional Action Step: Create an If-Then Scenario Plan… so that you can adjust to your counterpart's actions. When you state your boundaries or make ultimatums, you need to be very clear with yourself regarding what you will do if the person does not comply with the request. When setting boundaries: you have to be willing to engage in follow-through based on your counterpart's actions, whether its provide a reward (e.g., if you promise to take your child to a Taylor Swift concert if they get above 80s on their next report card and they achieve this, then time to get those tickets) or enforce a punishment (e.g., a ‘no social media 1-hour before bedtime’ rule must be upheld even if your child starts protesting, crying or whining). If you don't follow through on your consequence promises, then YOU teach other people that your words have no weight in reality, and YOU erode the trust that your counterpart has in you. Breaking such promises is akin to lying in this respect because you prove yourself to be unreliable. If you expect other's actions to match their words and other's good intentions to match their kind behaviours, then you must be willing to do the same. When making ultimatums: having a back-up plan will give you the psychological strength to be respectfully assertive in your communications and firm about the line that you are drawing in your relationship, whether the situation involves setting up a back-up supplier or being willing to walk away from a romantic relationship. You have to be ready to walk away, which means doing what you need to, psychologically and practically.
Be clear with yourself about the next steps/if-then contingencies.
Example 1: Professional Relationships – Your supplier is late with your product shipment and your customers have started to complain
Describe: Your last delivery of the graphic t-shirts came late again, and some of our customers have begun to complain.
Express: We feel disappointed with the late shipments and sympathize with our customer's frustration.
Specify: We would like to continue our business relationship; however, our customer's satisfaction is our top priority. We need to make sure that this doesn't happen again. As a result, we would like to see your action plan to make sure that the next shipment arrives on time. Can you commit to such an action plan and ensuring that the next delivery arrives on time?
Outcome: If your company can supply the graphic t-shirts on time, then we will continue to order the product from you. However, if the next shipment comes in late, then we will need to source the product from another supplier.
Example 2: Professional Relationship with a Power dynamic - Your boss wants you to take on extra work for a last-minute project. This would require you to work on the weekend and miss a personal commitment
Describe: I would like to help you with this project. However, I am unable to do that because this is a last-minute request and I have commitments this weekend that I am unable to move.
Express: I'm sorry that I won't be able to help you this time.
Specify: I understand that this project is important for you, and I would like to help you in some capacity.
Outcome: I have two suggestions. I can help you with the task first thing Monday morning, or I can offer some names of people that I think may be able to help you.
NOTE: You may want to soften how you use this script when there are power dynamics. The key to navigating these types of situations is to offer a solution while not violating your boundaries.
Example 3: Personal Relationships – Making an ultimatum when your partner has repeatedly threatened the relationship
Describe: Yesterday, you cancelled our weekend getaway last-minute. When I was communicating my frustration for the situation, you threatened to break-up. You later said that you didn't mean to threaten the relationship. However, this is the second time that you are threatening the relationship in a similar situation.
Express: I feel hurt that I am not able to express the impact that your actions have on me and angry that you threaten the relationship in these moments. It undermines the trust that I have with you and the commitment that I have for the relationship.
Specify: It's important to me that I can share how I feel when your actions hurt me and that I have confidence in our ability to work through difficult situations. That is the type of relationship that I want. Can you commit to listening to the impact that your actions have on me without becoming defensive, and more importantly, can you not threaten the relationship when you don't mean it?
Outcome: This will make me feel safe with you, rebuild my trust in you, and help me continue to be committed to the relationship. However, if you threaten to break-up again when I am trying to communicate the impact that your actions have on me, even if you do not mean it, then I will end this relationship.
NOTE: You may want to provide additional explanations in your personal relationships, and you may want to (and generally should) explore WHY a particular behaviour is happening. Seeking to understand the 'why' of another's action does not negate the reality that you have preferences and boundaries in a relationship.
Practice Using The DESO Script In The Following Examples
You are negotiating a new partnership with company Z. Your counterpart is not moving on any of the critical aspects of the deal that are important to you.
Your co-worker fails to provide you with the information you need to finalize a report for your director.
You are consulting on a project, and the client is asking for tasks outside of the project scope.
Your boss wants you to take on extra work for a last-minute project AGAIN! It is becoming a habit, and you are taking on work outside your pay grade.
NOTE: I'd suggest using the DESO script to negotiate a pay raise and title increase.
Preparing To Use The DESO SCRIPT
Being assertive is a matter of knowing what to say and how to say it. Assertive communication is direct and honest. If you think that you are going to have trouble doing saying the DESO script assertively, then consider doing the following beforehand:
Understand What Assertiveness Means: Assertiveness is not about getting your way. It is the recognition that you are responsible for your actions, and you decide what you will and will not do. Similarly, you recognize that others are responsible for their own actions, and they determine what they will or will not do. Being assertive acknowledges each person's volition in the situation. When being assertive, you express where you stand in any given situation, and you listen to other's opinions and perspectives. Being assertive does not mean that you will adjust your preferences/behaviours to other's opinions/expectations. Other's may influence you, but the ultimate decision in how you choose to act and what you chose to accept is up to you. Being assertive means taking responsibility for your needs, and not holding other people hostage to having to act a certain way so that you can feel better about a situation. This means that if you change your stance in response to another person, you do so willingly and without resentment.
Practice Being Assertive: Practice saying the DESO script beforehand with a close friend or videotape yourself until you feel comfortable with the delivery. Assertive body language is relaxed and open. You speak from a place of self-respect and confidence.
Check Your Mindset Before The Meeting: If you have a very hard time being assertive, consider seeing yourself as an advocate for yourself or channeling a super-hero version of yourself. This can help boost your confidence. Stand-up for yourself the way you would for your best friend, family member, or your favourite underdog character.
Get Comfortable With Conflict And Understand What Healthy Relationships Include: Try to see setting boundaries as a normal act in relationships. Expressing needs is not about creating conflict. It is about stating preferences and working together towards a solution. Sometimes others won't like it when you set boundaries, and that's okay. It is your job to communicate your needs and adjust according to other's actions. The DESO script is about helping you raise your words, not your voice, so that you can let others know what is okay and is not okay for you.
Identify Any Assertive Undermining Beliefs And Update Them: Sometimes we hold outdated beliefs about what it means to be assertiveness in a relationship. If you find yourself getting anxious at the thought of having to say the DESO script, consider identifying what beliefs are holding you back so that you can replace them with healthier ones. An excellent tool to help you identify assertive undermining beliefs is to ask yourself: "What's the worst that could happen if I am assertive in this situation?", "What would this mean about me?", and “Is this story in fact true?”. I will explore the connection between beliefs and behaviours in greater detail in a future post. In the meanwhile, here are a few commonly held assertive undermining beliefs:
It is impolite to disagree.
I will ruin relationships if I disagree.
If others disagree, then I must be wrong.
I have to do everything that I am asked.
Being assertive (or asking for what I want) is selfish.
Being assertive means getting my way all the time.
When To Use The DESO Script
The DESO script is appropriate to use when: 1) you need to state ultimatums and boundaries; 2) previous requests have gone unheard and/or you need to escalate the discussion, and, 3) in relationships with power dynamics.
A note about power dynamics: If you are in the lower power position, you may want to soften the way that you communicate your needs. In these situations, it will be vitally important for you to have a back-up plan as this will allow you to be assertive without fear that the high-power person will retaliate against you for communicating your needs (and if this is the case you are dealing with, then I would strongly suggest that you consider whether or not it's in your best interest to stay in this type of work dynamic…I would say that it is not!). Having a back-up plan will also give you the strength to say what you need to, instead of remaining dissatisfied in the relationship and fearing that the situation will not change. You need to be able to state your needs and give other people the chance to meet those needs. You also need to be able to walk away no matter what the situation is, and to have this ability, you need to develop a plan for the worst-case scenario (e.g., being fired from a job isn’t a big deal if you already have new job prospects).
Finally, I want you to know that sometimes it is necessary to simply say no and/or walk away from a situation. You don't always owe your counterpart an explanation, especially if you have already given one and/or they are trying to manipulate you into doing something that you don't want to do. While the DESO script is there to help you navigate difficult circumstances, there are times when you may choose not to use it and that is perfectly okay.
Additional Resource
If you want to learn more about the DESO script and how to communicate assertively, check out the following workbook:
Paterson, R. J. (2000). The assertiveness workbook: How to express your ideas and stand up for yourself at work and in relationships. New Harbinger Publications.
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“In life and business, you get what you negotiate for, not what you are worth.”
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