Ego is a powerful force that can either propel us forward or hold us back. While it’s often mistaken for confidence or pride, ego is much more nuanced. At its core, ego acts as a defense mechanism, helping us navigate situations where we feel vulnerable or unsafe. But when unchecked, it creates barriers—both at work and in our personal lives—preventing us from fostering meaningful relationships and becoming the leaders, teammates, or negotiators we aspire to be.
Business leader Simon Sinek reminds us: “Leadership is not about being in charge. It’s about taking care of those in your charge.” Yet, when ego dominates, it distorts this principle. It pushes us to focus inward instead of outward, jeopardizing trust, collaboration, and connection.
This article explores the trauma-informed roots of ego, how it shows up at work, why shifting away from ego-driven behaviors is critical, and practical strategies for fostering trust and meaningful relationships. By understanding ego and managing it effectively, you can transform your leadership style and deepen your relationships, both professionally and personally.
Ego as a Defense Mechanism: A Trauma-Informed Lens
The ego develops as a response to experiences that challenge our sense of safety or self-worth. From a trauma-informed perspective, ego is a protective shield. When we’ve faced rejection, failure, or criticism, ego steps in to shield us from further pain, often through dominance, defensiveness, or withdrawal.
Neuroscience reveals that this response stems from the amygdala, the brain’s threat detection center. When we perceive a challenge—whether emotional, social, or professional—the fight, flight, or freeze response is activated. This can lead to behaviors like shutting down feedback, rejecting ideas that conflict with our own, or clinging rigidly to control.
While these responses might have helped us survive in past environments, they can hinder growth in the workplace. For example:
Over-controlling behavior: Micromanaging to avoid feeling out of control.
Dismissiveness: Rejecting others' ideas to shield ourselves from vulnerability or uncertainty.
Defensiveness: Struggling to hear feedback because it feels like an attack on our self-worth.
These behaviors may feel protective, but they create walls between us and others, limiting collaboration and trust.
How Ego Can Show Up at Work
Ego-driven behaviors often manifest subtly, making them difficult to recognize. Here are common ways ego appears in the workplace:
Self-Centered Focus - Example: A team member refuses to collaborate on a project, believing their way of doing things is superior. Impact: This behavior creates bottlenecks, stifles innovation, and alienates colleagues with valuable input.
Overconfidence and Dismissiveness - Example: A leader interrupts team members or dismisses ideas that conflict with their vision. Impact: Team members feel undervalued, leading to disengagement and a lack of psychological safety.
Defensiveness in High-Stakes Scenarios - Example: A negotiator refuses to compromise, seeing flexibility as weakness, even when presented with compelling data. Impact: This rigidity prevents creative solutions and damages long-term relationships.
Blame-Shifting - Example: A manager deflects accountability for a failed project, redirecting blame to their team. Impact: This erodes trust, discouraging the team from taking risks or offering ideas.
How Ego Extends Beyond Work
Ego doesn’t operate in isolation—it’s deeply relational. When it shows up at work, it’s often a reflection of deeper patterns that spill into other areas of our lives. Here are common ways ego manifests professionally and personally:
Resistance to Feedback At Work: Dismissing constructive criticism or blaming others. At Home: Interpreting loved ones’ concerns as personal attacks, shutting down open communication.
Micromanagement and Over-Control At Work: Believing only you can ensure success, resulting in micromanagement. In Relationships: Struggling to let go of control, whether in shared responsibilities or decision-making.
Lack of Relational Awareness At Work: Failing to recognize the value of diverse ideas or silencing others during discussions. In Relationships: Focusing on being “right” instead of building understanding or connection.
Ego-driven habits often rob us of the meaningful connections and trust we crave, both professionally and personally.
How Ego Shows Up in Feedback Reviews
Ego-driven behaviors often emerge during performance feedback—both in giving and receiving it. Consider these examples:
“Does not actively share ideas or collaborate with the team.” Ego may prevent individuals from contributing because they fear their ideas aren’t perfect or because they believe others’ ideas are inferior.
“Rarely provides mentorship or support to colleagues.” Ego-driven individuals may prioritize personal success over team development.
“Struggles to accept constructive feedback.” Defensiveness is a classic sign of ego acting as a protective mechanism.
“Focuses on individual achievements rather than team outcomes.” A fixation on personal recognition can overshadow collective goals.
Why Shift Away From Ego?
As Brené Brown says, “Vulnerability is the birthplace of connection and the path to the feeling of being truly valued.” Ego-driven behaviors may feel like self-preservation, but they often rob us of the very things we crave—connection, trust, and fulfillment. If ego is showing up at work, it’s showing up elsewhere. It’s a sign that we may not be fully relationally aware, and we’re missing out on the beauty of meaningful relationships.
Human beings are wired for connection. Relationships—whether with colleagues, friends, or loved ones—thrive on trust, vulnerability, and collaboration. When ego takes the lead, it creates distance:
It limits trust. People may feel unsafe sharing ideas or feedback with you.
It stifles growth. Ego traps us in defensive patterns, blocking opportunities for learning.
It erodes relationships. Over time, others may feel unseen or undervalued, leading to disengagement.
Shifting away from ego isn’t about eliminating it—it’s about integrating it into a balanced approach that prioritizes relational awareness.
Quiz: Is Ego Showing Up in Your Leadership?
Ask yourself the following questions to assess whether ego might be impacting your behavior at work:
Do I often dismiss others’ ideas because I believe my approach is better?
Do I feel defensive or attacked when receiving constructive feedback?
Do I avoid delegating tasks because I believe others won’t do them as well as I would?
Do I prioritize being “right” over building understanding in conversations?
Do I tend to take credit for successes but shift blame for failures?
Do I struggle to listen fully during conversations, focusing instead on formulating my response?
Do I find it challenging to mentor or support others, viewing it as a distraction from my own goals?
If you answered “yes” to several of these questions, it may be time to reflect on how ego is influencing your leadership and relationships.
The Science of Connection: Shifting from Ego to Awareness
Shifting away from ego isn’t about eliminating it—it’s about integrating it. Ego, when balanced, can provide confidence and drive. But when it dominates, it needs to be replaced with relational awareness: the ability to connect authentically, listen deeply, and lead with curiosity.
Research in neuroscience and psychology shows that connection is a biological imperative. Oxytocin, the “bonding hormone,” is released during moments of trust and collaboration, reinforcing positive interactions. Leaders and professionals who cultivate relational awareness activate this trust loop, creating environments where teams and relationships thrive.
Practical Steps to Shift Mindset and Build Connection
Recognize Ego as a Defense Mechanism: Understand that ego often emerges as a response to perceived threats or vulnerabilities. Acknowledge this without judgment.
Practice Self-Reflection Ask yourself: “How is my ego showing up today?” Reflect on situations where you felt defensive or dismissive, and consider what triggered those responses.
Cultivate Curiosity In conversations, focus on listening to understand, not respond. Replace assumptions with questions like, “What’s your perspective?” or “Can you help me see it from your angle?”
Align Your Actions with Your Values Identify your core values as a leader (e.g., collaboration, respect, trust). Regularly assess whether your behaviors align with these values.
Foster Psychological Safety Create environments where people feel safe to share ideas, take risks, and offer feedback. Acknowledge contributions openly and encourage diverse perspectives.
Reconnect with Vulnerability Recognize that vulnerability isn’t weakness—it’s the foundation of trust and connection. Share your own challenges and ask for help when needed, showing your team or loved ones that it’s okay to be human.
Final Thoughts: Leading with Relational Awareness
The goal isn’t to eliminate ego—it’s to manage it. When balanced, ego can fuel confidence and drive, helping you take risks and advocate for yourself. But when ego dominates, it stifles growth, damages relationships, and limits your potential as a leader, teammate, or partner.
By understanding the science behind ego and recognizing how it manifests in your behaviors, you can shift from self-centered thinking to a mindset rooted in curiosity and collaboration. This shift isn’t just about improving performance at work—it’s about transforming the way you show up in all areas of your life.
When you step out of defensiveness and into curiosity, you open the door to deeper trust, authentic collaboration, and meaningful growth. In leadership, this means empowering your team, valuing diverse perspectives, and creating environments where everyone feels seen and heard. In your personal life, it strengthens your ability to connect with loved ones, nurture fulfilling relationships, and show up as your best self.
How I Help Leaders Shift from Ego-Driven to Trust-Based Leadership
Ego can be one of the biggest barriers to trust, collaboration, and authentic leadership. While it may feel like a source of confidence, unchecked ego often leads to defensiveness, resistance to feedback, and strained relationships. I help professionals and executives shift from ego-driven leadership to a trust-based approach—ensuring they lead with confidence, clarity, and influence.
Through my Leadership Trust Audit, I assess how leaders build and sustain trust using the Trust Equation—evaluating credibility, reliability, intimacy, and self-orientation. This framework helps identify where ego-driven behaviors may be undermining trust and where leaders can shift toward greater relational awareness.
From there, I coach clients to integrate relational intelligence—the ability to lead with curiosity instead of defensiveness, embrace feedback as a tool for growth, and foster environments where trust and innovation thrive. We focus on practical strategies like assertive yet empathetic communication, high-stakes conversations, and psychological safety—all essential for building trust and driving success.
👉 If you’re ready to shift from ego-driven leadership to a trust-based approach that fosters collaboration and influence, let’s connect. Whether you're seeking one-on-one coaching, a Leadership Trust Audit, or tailored strategies for your team, I’m here to help.
What to read next?
Ego is a powerful force that can either propel us forward or hold us back. While it’s often mistaken for confidence or pride, ego is much more nuanced. At its core, ego acts as a defense mechanism, helping us navigate situations where we feel vulnerable or unsafe. But when unchecked, it creates barriers—both at work and in our personal lives—preventing us from fostering meaningful relationships and becoming the leaders, teammates, or negotiators we aspire to be.