People-pleasing is often mistaken for kindness, collaboration, or being a “team player.” In reality, it’s a learned survival strategy—one rooted in a deep need for approval and avoidance of conflict. While it may feel like a way to maintain harmony, people-pleasing can undermine leadership, hinder negotiations, and prevent you from building authentic relationships at work and beyond.
Brené Brown reminds us: “Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.” Yet, when we prioritize others’ needs over our own, we fail to set clear expectations, eroding trust and respect in the process.
This article explores the trauma-informed roots of people-pleasing, how it manifests in professional settings, and why shifting away from it is essential for strong leadership, effective negotiations, and healthier relationships. By understanding these patterns and implementing practical strategies, you can foster confidence, set boundaries, and build relationships based on mutual respect rather than over-accommodation.
People-Pleasing as a Defense Mechanism: A Trauma-Informed Lens
At its core, people-pleasing is an adaptive response to past experiences where conflict, rejection, or disapproval felt unsafe. From a trauma perspective, people-pleasing is tied to the fawn response, a lesser-known stress reaction alongside fight, flight, and freeze.
The fawn response develops when individuals grow up in environments where they had to earn approval to feel safe. This could be due to strict parental expectations, emotionally unpredictable authority figures, or early experiences where disagreement led to punishment—either emotional or physical. Instead of responding to stress with anger (fight), avoidance (flight), or shutting down (freeze), individuals learn to appease others as a way to protect themselves from potential harm.
How the Fawn Response Shows Up at Work
While this pattern might have been necessary in childhood or past relationships, it becomes a liability in professional settings. Common workplace manifestations include:
Avoiding Disagreements → Over-accommodating others, even when it goes against your best judgment.
Over-Apologizing → Taking blame for things outside your control to maintain harmony.
Overworking to Prove Worth → Believing that saying “no” will make you seem unhelpful or replaceable.
Struggling to Set Boundaries → Taking on extra work to avoid disappointing managers or colleagues.
Downplaying Achievements → Preferring to stay in the background rather than advocate for a raise or promotion.
Shifting away from this response is critical for leadership because business requires trade-offs, and leadership requires the ability to disappoint people for the greater good.
As Simon Sinek puts it: "A leader's job is not to do the work, it is to help others do the work." If you’re constantly trying to keep everyone happy, you’re not leading—you’re managing emotions.
How People-Pleasing Limits Career Growth
People-pleasing might make you well-liked, but it will also keep you stuck. Leadership isn’t about making everyone happy—it’s about making sound decisions, even when they’re unpopular.
Take the example of Sheryl Sandberg, former COO of Meta (Facebook). Early in her career, she struggled with being overly accommodating, worrying that pushing back would make her appear difficult. It wasn’t until she was challenged by mentors that she realized saying “yes” to everything meant saying “no” to the work that truly mattered. Learning to assert herself was key to her rise as a top executive.
When people-pleasing goes unchecked, it leads to:
🚫 Lack of Authority → If you never push back, people won’t see you as a strategic leader.
🚫 Burnout Without Recognition → People-pleasers overwork yet often go unnoticed because they focus on effort instead of impact.
🚫 Missed Promotions → Higher roles require decision-making under pressure. If you avoid conflict, you’ll be passed over for leadership positions.
🚫 Weaker Negotiation Skills → Whether advocating for your salary or leading business deals, people-pleasing weakens your leverage.
As executive coach Marshall Goldsmith puts it: "What got you here won’t get you there."
The same habits that helped you succeed in junior roles will hold you back as you move up.
How People-Pleasing Shows Up at Work
People-pleasing behaviors are often subtle, making them difficult to recognize. But a key indicator? Performance feedback.
People-pleasers may struggle with feedback because:
They fear disappointing others, so they avoid giving honest feedback to colleagues or teams.
They internalize criticism as personal failure, making it difficult to receive constructive input.
They overcompensate by taking on too much work, hoping to be seen as indispensable.
💡 Common Performance Review Comments That Indicate People-Pleasing: 🔹 “Needs to set clearer expectations with the team.” → Struggles to say no, leading to overcommitment. 🔹 “Hesitant to challenge ideas or take a stand in meetings.” → Avoids conflict, diminishing leadership presence. 🔹 “Frequently overextends themselves, leading to burnout.” → Assumes responsibility beyond their role. 🔹 “Struggles to provide constructive feedback.” → Prefers to keep the peace rather than address performance issues.
People-Pleasing at Different Levels of Leadership
🔹 Individual Contributor → Hesitates to say no to additional tasks, leading to burnout. May downplay accomplishments, missing promotions.
🔹 Manager → Struggles with delegation, micromanages to ensure everyone is happy, avoids difficult conversations about performance.
🔹 Director → Overcommits the team to projects to appear accommodating, diluting focus and impact. Hesitates to push back on senior leaders.
🔹 AVP (Assistant Vice President) → Balances multiple stakeholders, often prioritizing consensus over bold decision-making. Feels responsible for “keeping the team happy” rather than driving strategic outcomes.
🔹 VP (Vice President) → Navigates organizational trade-offs, often making unpopular decisions. Must balance influence vs. approval-seeking, as business is built on trade-offs, not pleasing everyone.
🔹 CEO → Mastery of decision-making and conflict resolution. The ability to disappoint people for the sake of the company's mission is a critical skill. CEOs who people-please make reactive choices instead of strategic ones.
As Warren Buffett says: "The difference between successful people and really successful people is that really successful people say no to almost everything."
Leaders who cannot say no stagnate in their careers, dilute their impact, and fail to make tough but necessary decisions.
Quiz: Is People-Pleasing Holding You Back?
Ask yourself the following:
✅ Do I struggle to say “no” even when I’m overwhelmed?
✅ Do I avoid giving honest feedback for fear of upsetting others?
✅ Do I over-apologize, even when I’m not at fault?
✅ Do I fear that setting boundaries will make people think less of me?
✅ Do I prioritize others’ comfort over my own well-being?
✅ Do I hesitate to advocate for myself in negotiations?
✅ Do I feel drained by constantly trying to “keep the peace”?
If you answered “yes” to several, it may be time to reevaluate your relationship with people-pleasing.
Nice vs. Kind: Why Leadership Requires Kindness, Not Niceness
Many people-pleasers believe that being nice makes them better colleagues or leaders. But niceness is often about seeking approval and avoiding discomfort, while kindness is about truth, integrity, and real leadership.
🔹 Being Nice = Prioritizing comfort, avoiding conflict, telling people what they want to hear.
🔹 Being Kind = Being honest, setting clear expectations, making tough decisions with integrity.
People-pleasers often rely on being liked as a measure of their leadership effectiveness, but true leadership is built on trust, not approval. The Trust Equation provides a powerful framework for shifting from seeking validation to building genuine credibility. By focusing on credibility (expertise and honesty), reliability (consistency and follow-through), and intimacy (genuine connection), while reducing self-orientation (putting personal approval-seeking aside), people-pleasers can transform into respected, high-trust leaders. Using this formula helps leaders assess where they need to grow—whether it’s speaking up with confidence, setting clearer boundaries, or making tough decisions that serve the greater good rather than short-term harmony. Instead of being seen as "nice but ineffective," leaders who master trust become influential, decisive, and respected for their integrity.
Trust = (Credibility + Reliability + Intimacy) / Self-Orientation
People-pleasers score high in intimacy (being liked and approachable), but low in credibility and reliability because they avoid tough conversations. True trust is built when leaders communicate clearly, hold firm boundaries, and act in alignment with reality.
The kindest thing you can do as a leader? Tell people the truth.
To dive deeper into how credibility, reliability, intimacy, and self-orientation shape leadership trust, check out this article on mastering the trust formula.
From People-Pleasing to Assertiveness: Practical Strategies
Assertiveness is not aggression—it’s the ability to express your thoughts, needs, and boundaries with confidence and respect. Research from the American Psychological Association shows that assertiveness is linked to higher job performance, stronger leadership skills, and greater well-being.
Science-Backed Strategies to Break the People-Pleasing Habit
1) Recognize People-Pleasing as a Learned Behavior
Science Insight: Neuroscience shows that repetitive behaviors create neural pathways in the brain. The more you say "yes" to avoid discomfort, the stronger that habit becomes.
Shift Strategy: Start pausing before responding. When asked for a favor, say, “Let me think about it and get back to you.” This disrupts the automatic “yes” response.
2) Reframe Boundaries as Professionalism, Not Selfishness
Science Insight: Studies show that employees with strong boundaries experience higher job satisfaction and lower stress.
Shift Strategy: Set a boundary mantra, such as: "Saying no to this means saying yes to my priorities."
3) Practice Small Acts of Assertiveness
Science Insight: Behavioral psychology shows that incremental exposure helps overcome fear-based habits.
Shift Strategy: Start small—correcting your name pronunciation, pushing back on a minor request, or asking for clarity in a meeting. Each win builds confidence.
4) Learn to Disappoint People Without Guilt
Science Insight: Leaders must make trade-offs—which means some people will be unhappy. The key is managing disappointment, not avoiding it.
Shift Strategy: Reframe discomfort as progress: “A good leader isn’t liked by everyone—they’re respected for making the right calls.”
Final Thoughts: Leading with Confidence, Not Compliance
The goal isn’t to abandon kindness—it’s to redefine it.
True leadership and authentic relationships are built on honesty, clarity, and mutual respect—not self-sacrifice or over-accommodation.
By shifting from people-pleasing to assertiveness, you create space for genuine connection, stronger leadership, and more fulfilling professional and personal relationships.
As Steve Jobs famously said: "If you want to make everyone happy, don’t be a leader—sell ice cream."
Your career success depends not on pleasing everyone—but on leading with integrity, making clear decisions, and building trust through authenticity.
How I Help Leaders Shift from People-Pleasing to Trust-Based Leadership
People-pleasing may feel like a path to success, but in leadership, it often leads to burnout, blurred boundaries, and missed opportunities for growth. I work with professionals and executives to help them shift from approval-seeking to trust-building, ensuring they step into leadership with confidence, clarity, and influence.
Through my Trust Audit, I assess how leaders build and sustain trust using the Trust Equation—evaluating credibility, reliability, intimacy, and self-orientation. This process helps individuals pinpoint where they may be over-prioritizing being liked rather than becoming effective, respected leaders.
From there, I coach clients to reframe their mindset and implement assertive communication strategies that empower both them and their teams. We focus on setting clear boundaries, mastering high-stakes conversations, and making confident decisions that drive business success—all while maintaining strong, authentic relationships.
👉 If you found this helpful and want to break free from people-pleasing to become a stronger, more decisive leader, let’s connect. Whether you’re looking for coaching, a Trust Audit, or tailored strategies to elevate your leadership presence, I’m here to help.
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