WHY USE “I-STATEMENTS” WHEN MAKING REQUESTS?
People are going to annoy you, disappoint you, and fall short. They won’t mean to, but they will. In these moments, you could stay silent and let resentment build (a lovely way to slowly deteriorate a relationship and frustrate yourself) or you could try to speak up and make a request. The issue with speaking up is that while you may have the best intentions if you communicate in a defensive non-effective manner, you will escalate a misunderstanding, hurt the people that you care about, and slowly degrade the quality of your relationships.
One great tool for taking responsibility in relationships and asking for your needs to be met (a.k.a., a request for a change in behaviour) is using an “I-statements” request. Below is a 5-steps script for making such requests in your personal and professional relationships.
WHAT “YOU-STATEMENTS” COMMUNICATE TO OTHERS
“You-statements” generally imply that the person you are speaking to is responsible for how you feel. These statements tend to focus the conversation on blame, accusation and defensiveness. As soon as someone says “You don’t listen to me!”, your automatic response wants to be “But yes I do!”.
“You-statements” may feel more natural when you are agitated or hurt, but when you use these statements you avoid being vulnerable while failing to take responsibility for fully understanding and communicating your needs. “You-statements,” tends to focus the receiver on defending their actions and character. It also makes it harder for the receiver to listen and respond to the speaker’s core needs.
WHAT “I-STATEMENTS” COMMUNICATE TO OTHERS
By using “I-statements”, you take responsibility for how you feel, think and need. These statements require that you understand your needs and preferences, confidently explain the situation from your perspective, and make an action-oriented request. As a receiver, hearing “I-Statements” sheds light on the ways in which one’s actions have impacted the speaker. “I-Statements” provides insights into the speaker’s feelings and thoughts, invites the receiver to empathize with the speaker, and opens the possibility for dialogue.
As a general rule in relationships, the onus falls on you to make an assertive and respectful request and then it is up to your partner/colleague to respond in kind. While there is no guarantee that your counterpart will always respond productively and meet your requests, by using the script below you will increase the chances that you will have a productive conversation that will lead to an action step.
THE 5-STEP FORMULA FOR Making “I-STATEMENTS” REQUESTS
1. When you…
2. I feel…
3. The story I’m telling myself is…
4. I need/want/prefer…
5. Would you…
the FIVE-STEP Formula in detail
1. When you…state the specific action that your partner did.
2. I feel…share how you feel inside in response to the action. An important note here is that emotions are NOT judgments and should be communicated separately. Emotions include: sad, hurt, joyful, happy, angry, disappointed, fearful, etc. Judgments are the stories that you tell yourself about what the other persons’ actions mean about you and the relationship. The stories you tell yourself drive your feelings. For example, there is no “I feel that you don’t care about me”. It would be more accurate to say, “I feel hurt. The story I’m telling myself is that you don’t care about me.” If you pay attention to the way people speak, you will notice how often we conflate emotions with judgments in our use of “I feel” statements. As a general rule, try to remember: “I feel emotions, I think thoughts”.
3. The story I’m telling myself is…take responsibility for the judgments that you make about other people and situations by being willing to share and scrutinize them. This means acknowledging that while you may feel a certain way (which is valid in its own right), you may also be misreading the situation and making an erroneous assumption about the other’s action (life is complex and we rarely have all the information in any given time). If you honestly state what you think is happening for you, this invites your partner to understand your perspective and speak to any misunderstandings.
4. I need/want/prefer… share what you need out of the situation. It is YOUR responsibility to identify what you need and want before making a request. It is NOT your partner’s responsibility to read your mind and identify your needs and feelings (esp. if you are holding back or pretending that things are okay when they are not). Some people are better at picking up on what is unsaid, and sometimes life situations hinder this ability (e.g., being underslept, having tight deadlines at work, being hangry). Don’t conflate someone’s inability to read your mind for not caring about you. Learn to put value on people’s responses to your requests (meaning other’s actions NOT words). If your counterpart has changed their action, this means that they have listened to you and taken the time and effort to improve the way that they interact with you. How kind of them!
5. Would you…identify a specific action step that your partner can take. If you’re having trouble coming up with one, enlist your counterpart to problem-solve with you. Make sure that the request is reasonable and time-specific, which means checking in with your counterpart to make sure that it is doable. Depending on what is happening in your counterpart’s life, a request may be hard to complete. For this step, try to be flexible in how your needs are met— simply make sure that your needs are being met.
Keep your requests simple, concise and specific.
EXAMPLE 1 – PROFESSIONAL RELATIONSHIPS - Effort being Overlooked during Project meetings
1. When you don’t engage with my ideas during the project meetings.
2. I feel disappointed and frustrated.
3. The story I’m telling myself is that I’m not an important member of the team and that my hard work is going to waste.
4. I want to know that my work is valued.
5. Would you engage with my ideas at the next project meeting by acknowledging when my ideas are good or explaining to me where my ideas fall short so that I can improve for the next meeting?
EXAMPLE 2 – PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS - Friend consistently Late
1. When you come late to our lunch dates.
2. I feel hurt.
3. The story I’m telling myself is that you don’t care about our friendship.
4. I need to know that you respect our commitments.
5. Would you put a timer on your phone to make sure that you arrive on time for our next lunch or let me know at that point that you are going to be late so that I can decide whether or not I can accommodate the change in our plans?
WHEN TO USE “I-STATEMENTS” REQUESTS
This formula is most appropriate in ongoing relationships where trust and mutual concern are present. It is a great formula if you want to improve the quality of your relationships. However, this formula is not appropriate for making requests when (1) there are power dynamics, (2) expressing deal-breakers, and (3) someone has shown themselves to be untrustworthy or uncaring towards your needs.
A FINAL NOTE ON CONFLICT AND BECOMING A GOOD COMMUNICATOR
Conflict and misunderstandings are bound to happen in all relationships. The existing of conflict in a relationship is not a marker of a ‘bad relationship’. However, how you deal with these moments will determine whether you are strengthening the relationship or not. Typically, good relationships are marked by both people being willing to engage in difficult conversations, problem-solve, and meet each other’s core needs.
When you make a request in a relationship, what you are looking for in your counterpart’s response is a willingness to listen and engage. If you have communicated in a clear and respectful manner, and your counterpart remains unresponsive or doesn’t acknowledge the validity of your emotions and requests, then it may be time to reassess that relationship. BUT before you decide to write someone off or characterize them as insensitive/a poor listener/(add any other common judgment here), make the effort to clean up your side of the communication exchange.
Learning to be an effective communicator is a process that takes work. It becomes easier with practice and using good communication tools. Remember that you will mess up in the process of learning to use these tools effectively, and when you do, good relationships have two additional qualities that will help buffer misunderstandings along the way. These are called patience and forgiveness. So don’t be afraid to speak up and make a request!
WHAT TO READ NEXT?
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